Saturday, May 24, 2014

So... relationships.   Let me get more coffee first.

(glug glug pour pour)

Where I am at now...   is stagnant.   Been with Jessi for, what, five years now?  Ups and downs, in's and out's, experimented with the swinging thing, but the last six months have been mostly kinda stagnant.

I guess it was a few months back (5 or 6?) that I told her it might be time for her to find another place to live.  She had come home and jumped on me at the wrong time in the wrong way.

She left for a week.... it was.... nice.  Real nice.  I cleaned the house and it stayed clean. I watched tv in the morning.  I wasn't physically mauled when she got friendly.  The laundry and chores got done... all of them... done.  I worked out a budget and believe I could have been self supporting here, although with little extra.

Then she asked to come back.  She can't deal with her crazy dad, and she could not afford her own place.  I agreed.   I slid backwards.  That's all on me.

Meanwhile, no sex.  That's been brewing for years.  I USED to think I was a pretty good lover, but Jessi's comments and actions over the last few years make it clear I'm not good enough for her.   Often enough and bad enough that I just have NO desire to be with her at all.  I am, in fact, repulsed by her.

So my sex life has devolved to occasional ..... and damn little else.  Actually, nothing else.  Except...... except that one incident in the hot tub with Sarah. 

We were naked, big deal.  I took the time to rub her feet and calves in the hot water.  Did I want her?  Yes..... I'm not stupid or dead.  Of course I wanted her.  She knew that... no mysteries. She came close to say she hadn't intended to lead me on, but did it by grabbing my ..... to make the point.  I explained I was willing if she ever wished to.   Followed.... her mental struggle  to decide, accompanied by teasing and caressing on both parts.  Nothing happened, it ended there.

I doubt it will go farther.  She is married.  Jessi is threatening in defense of her 'territory'.  I've got the short end, as it always seems.

So that's where it is right now.  Jessi and I share the house.  I'd be okay if she lived elsewhere.  We are sort of boyfriend/girlfriend.  I care ABOUT her, just not FOR her.  Enough that I can't man up and kick her to the curb, and I don't want to hurt her.

Saddened by not hooking up with Sarah.  I don't love her, but I like her a lot, and would dearly love to see her face soften and lose focus.  It would give me pleasure to see her have that. 

For the best, and I know that.  I have little to lose if we get together, and she has much to lose. 

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