Sunday, September 27, 2009

I am a blogger....

What does that mean? "I am a blogger".......

Yes, this is a new blog, but I am not a new blogger. I've been writing on-line for years and blogging for the last two. I put myself out there... learned about myself... learned about other people.... found friends..... found a lover... got my heart broken hard.... got my very own stalker.... and found out about life. I am a blogger, and all this is what it means to me.

I am a gregarious loner. I like some people, but dislike most. I want to be there at the party, but at the outside edge looking in. People interest me, but engaging with most people does not interest me.

I am a school teacher. The new batch of kids they give me each year... they are my family in a way. The good... the bad... and yes, the ugly.

Welcome to my new blog! Started so I can once again speak about my life... and not cause pain to others when I do. My new blog... where I can speak the truth about myself, my life, and what goes on around me. My old blog (s) have ended, gone private... because too many people know who I am there. There, I could not talk about an old lover without having a dozen folks call her the next day. I could not talk about my work without having an administrator demanding to know what the big words mean.

Do you know who I am? If so.... keep it under your hat please. If you do, I'll bake you some brownies.... and you know I can do it, too.

What follows is something I wrote as my last love affair ended. I share the blame on all counts, that I have to be honest with myself about. I saw the image I wanted to see, and it was one carefully crafted and laid before me....

I've been thinking. A slow and laborious process at the best of times, this instance it was worse. Made harder by the depth of my immersion in the situation, it took me a long time indeed to gnaw away at these concepts.

We each, and by each I mean every single one of us, project an image to the world. It's an image of ourselves... and we all do it to some extent. Sometimes only a minor variation on a theme presented to a select audience, other times a carefully crafted persona built up over years and nursed along like a fine wine.

Have you ever spent a moment choosing your clothes... thinking about who you were going to be with that day? Have you ever mowed your lawn because of what the neighbors might think? I have. I've washed my car before picking up a friend because I didn't want her to think me a slob. I've folded my clothes and put them away neatly, in part because people would be at the house later and someone might see the pile on my bed.

These are minor examples... but it goes deeper. Picture a couple getting ready for a party, getting dressed. She tries on a pretty bit of garb, but he says "Try on the red dress, you look smoking in that". She smiles and puts on the red dress, living in the moment and thinking of the looks she will get that evening.

She's projecting an image of herself... attractive, desirable, and alluring. He knows this, enjoys it, and encourages it. They both enjoy it.... the night out on the town, looking good to their friends, and acting a part for the evening. Later they'll take off the shoes that are a bit too tight, loosen the seldom worn clothes that made them look especially good for the evening, and share in a moment of glowing warmth for the little bit of an act achieved. They'll bask in their own self image, and that's an entirely human thing to do.

We all do it, to some extent. This I believe, and I don't fault it. It's a normal part of being human, even when taken to some extremes. Some people nearly live double lives. Their own private life, and a wildly different one presented to the world. Sometimes the private life is so deeply embedded, it only shows in rare moments when the person is alone..... and in some sad cases it never even shows then.

In thinking about relationships between people, I have come to realize that each can be judged by this image, and the place people have in each others vision of themselves.

Think about it..... aren't the most common reasons for a relationship failure one person saying "They turned out to be someone I didn't know", or "He/She lied to me about everything", or "I really judged him wrong", or even just "I was so fooled by....". Aren't these all just saying the same thing? Simply put.... it turns out that one or both of the people found out they were not invited into the inner self image of the other person. In a cruder way of saying it.... they discovered they were on the outside of the lie, rather than the inside.

Just like we all project an image, to some extent we all lie a little too. Even when it's simply by unintended omission, or more often very intentional omission, we all lie. Building that image we present to the world is often supported in part by tiny little lies. Putting on music in the car that you hope someone hears you listening to... makes it seem that's what you like. Leaving a specific book out where people can see it, just so they think that's your reading preference. The ways are myriad...

Sometimes, the lies are deeper, and I won't delve into them here.

The point is... everyone has an image they project to some degree, and everyone has lies that support that image, to some degree. From the unnoticeable small to some which loom large... they are always there.

We can define our relationships by looking at how close to their center we are, and how close we let the other person to ours. Do we really, really know the heart of the person? Do we allow them to see ours? We all lie, and we all let our loved ones small lies slip past..... as long as we are on the inside of them. As long as.... we are part of the real world involving the two, much else that makes up the external images can be ignored, allowed, and even enjoyed together. It's once we discover that we are not really on the inside, but just buried in yet another layer of images and lies.... that's when the pain and hurt begins.

I'm not sure what or who I was looking for when I found her... Perhaps just life itself. I invested my heart and soul for a year and a half... just to have them ripped into little pieces and tossed to the wind. Admittedly, I did some of the tearing and much of the tossing. Self flagellation I guess, for making such a bad decision.

How did it end? Isn't that what everyone always wants to know? Beginnings and endings are everything, and the most interesting parts usually.

It ended when it needed to end. It ended when it cost more than it was worth in heartache and pain. It ended with a lie.... just a simple, carefully constructed, lie... that never had to be told. Perhaps it was that way to spur the end, as perhaps she wished. There would have been easier ways. Just a simple 'Good Bye' would have done....

So... another formative part of my life has been survived, and it's time to move on. I'll write about it as it comes.... about me, my life, and the world around me. Essays, rants, photos, poetry.... whatever suits the mood and moment. You are welcome to join in the romp.... and best wishes to you on your own journey.

1 comment:

Sparrow said...

I'm sorry about your broken heart. But I'm glad you are writing about it, because you find out that you aren't alone in it. And also because you write and observe well and that should not go to waste. Good luck to you in your new blog home.