Friday, August 6, 2010
Good morning, Friday.
Continuing in the line of random personal notes and observations, of little note to anyone outside my small circle of one.....
School begins in only a few weeks. I know it's trite to say it, but this Summer has flown past! What has it brought, in all it's fleeting glory? So much... so many changes.... yet my soul seems to give little credit. What is missing? What piece of the puzzle completes the image?
I was asked yesterday... "Are you happy?", and my honest answer... "Sometimes". An answer accepted at face value, I must admit, and one reason I care for her. We allow each other to 'Be' what we are, and that is rare indeed.
School begins again, afresh, and this year I am not excited yet. Perhaps the last week, as we prepare, it will sink in, and I will feel that sense of impending challenge. Ten years of teaching... has it inured me to beginnings? Still, there is nothing else in life I would rather do.... yet.... how will I feel about first days in another ten years?
Today, Friday, a good day ahead. Not spectacular, but good. Preparing for tomorrows 'party', with friends coming over to spend time with us. Calling it a party, for what other term fits? 'Get-together' is ungainly and rather cold, and any other term just seems silly or grandiose. Friends known and unknown gathering to enjoy a few hours around a fire, with good food and fine drink.... conversation and company.... a recognition that life is worth living, and there are good people in our lives.
Lately, I have been dwelling on the past. Events, decisions, paths taken and passed... and admittedly there are some regrets. Self honesty forces the admission... and sometimes there are dreams in the night to reinforce the admission. Still... regretting the past will never change it, and truth be told, no amount of regret will reveal an alternate path that was not really there. Things happened... life happened... and choices were made without knowing outcomes. Such is the way a man's life is formed, moment by moment and turn by turn. Regrets heal no wounds. Regrets offer no guidance, for the future is never revealed till it becomes past.
Still... they exist... and the dreams with them. Would I go back? Would I change a path chosen? How could I, and still be who I am? My decisions created me, and they must stand in their own matrix, unchangeable. Anything else, and I no longer exist as I am.
I council myself.... "Do not dwell on what was, what might have been, nor even on what could be... instead live now, in what is. Feel the warm sun on your skin, and the air as it brushes past you. Enjoy, revel, in the moment that you are alive. Accept each touch from friend and lover as a gift, to be savored, with no fear or anxiety for what the next day may bring".
Words so easy to say to oneself, yet... a year later I must say them again like a mantra, to drive away regret and sadness for what was, what might have been, and what probably never really was.