Thursday, December 30, 2010

Reading back, through the years....

Through the holiday, I have been reading back into blog history. I wrote what's below back in 2007, after a long night with the internet down.

Well, that happened again here a few nights ago, and as it happens it was the same internet company. The connection got me thinking back to the post I had written, and the thoughts I had then.

Much of my life is surely wrapped up with those I connect with here on this babble box, but it's not the lifeline it was then. This time, I could sleep, able to walk away from the computer and it's bridge to all those in 'my tribe' out there.

From 2007:

Yesterday we lost Internet for most of the afternoon and all of the evening.
This put me out of touch with the world..... my world..... and everyone else.

It happens I was reading a new novel, 'The Ghost Brigades' by John Scalzi.
As an aside, I recommend his books to Heinlein fans.

As one of the plot points, his characters undergo a problem in battle. Each of the genetically enhanced soldiers is connected to the other through a brain implant.
Computer, communications, enhancement, and with these warriors it's from birth, as a unit. They speak to each other, they are in each others heads, from birth...

In the story this ability is taken from them during a combat insertion. It renders them all but ineffective for a time, resulting in capture and death.

I had that in mind as the internet went down, and stayed down.

How much of my present life is defined by my friends (and more) on the internet?
It was a very long, and mostly sleepless night. Rest would not come, nor peace.
There are folks I speak to that have become very dear to me, and I was cut off.
No, I'll not phone anyone at midnight, just to reassure my immature soul that they are still there, still ok, still...... there. I am not a child, in need of that reassurance. At least, that's what I tell myself.

Honestly, its a bit scary. Building a chunk of your life around something, and losing it suddenly. It's 'loss', in its classic terms. I think it's like a deep wound. Once you have lived through 'loss', the wound remains even if healed over. The scar is there and sensitive to pressure, even the smallest prod.
Losing the internet and easy access to most of my friends was a strong prod to think about these issues.

Loss has been to visit before, and left scars. Last night was lonely, and difficult.

It may be time for me to back up and spend some time getting comfortable with 'me' again. Last night showed me that... at any time.... it may be all I have.

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