I just had my face shoved in one of those situations where a man can't do anything that's right. If I do (a), then I'm a jerk. If I do (b) without faking being happy enough about it, then I'm a jerk. There is no (c).
It may be time for this 'jerk' to consider living without anyone else around to disappoint.
Update: After a little questioning, I found the answer. The only way I could have done anything right...... was to be somebody besides me.
Decision time.