Contemplations....

Actually, self-contemplations..... which is not as kinky as what you thought when you just read that.

As another year draws to a close, it creates a cusp and a new beginning, in a way.  It's really more in the human psyche than anyplace else, but that's okay.  Many of us live most of life in our own minds, anyway.

This year I turned 51.    It's a time of life when the future is outweighed by the past, some days.  Certainly..... the future will be much shorter than the past, and that fact weighs heavily on a man's mind.

I suppose every man carries a list with him.  A long, long list of things he wished to do, dreamed of seeing, and perhaps women he has cared for.

At 51.... a man is presented with a pencil, and the inevitable fate of beginning to cross things, and people, off his list.  Things he'll just never Be, places he'll likely never see, and people he'll never be with again.   Sadly, far too many days, the list suffers losses that overshadow what the list may gain..... at 51.

It's for certain I'll never be a soldier, and that dream was a strong one as a young man.

The chance to be a good father.... not a battle I won.

Holding together a family, keeping it safe while building a foundation for the future..... another battle lost.

Earning the love of a good woman..... done.  Keeping it..... another in the loss column.  More than once.

Changing young peoples lives for the better..... got to do that for years, a win.  Doing so again.... likely not.

Coming to realize, in much of life I am merely a dog running alongside a car, barking my fool head off.   The dog never catches the car, and wouldn't know what to do with it if he did.  The people in the car.... seldom even notice the dog running alongside.  Eventually the dog gets slower, the cars go by faster, and even the joy of barking loses it's sparkle.