Monday, May 26, 2025

Whoa Sparky, back up there a bit. You want what done how?

Lets take a moment here and slay this dragon before it grows up.

I do my laundry.  The boy does his laundry.  We are happy with our laundry. The house laundry, and the laundry of the rest of the people in this house, are done by the House Elf.  Anybody is free to do their own laundry any way they wish at any time, but if the Laundry Elf gets it there is only One Way It Will Be Done; The Elf Way.

  1. Everything will be washed together without prejudice.  All laundry is equal in the eyes of the Laundry elf.
  2. There are only three settings on the washing machine the Laundry Elf will use.  Normal, Heavy soil, and bedding.  There is no foo-foo delicate left sock setting with the Laundry Elf.
  3. Laundry Elf will use This detergent and This sanitizer, in amounts he chooses.  Period.
  4. Laundry Elf will wash in warm water and rinse in cold water. Period.
  5. Laundry elf will dry everything on the setting marked on the drier with a sharpy.  It says 'Use This Setting', and Laundry Elf is adamant about following that rule.
  6. Laundry Elf will ONLY wash what he finds in the laundry room.  When it's washed and dried, Laundry Elf will deposit it on the living room sofa.  That is the end of Laundry Elf's engagement.
There are two rules with Laundry Elf.
  • Anyone is free to wash their own crap in any way they wish whenever they wish.... BUT.... they are NOT free to leave their half-done crap clogging up the machines for days on end.  Laundry found abandoned becomes Laundry Elf property, and he will do as he wishes with it.  Maybe wash it (his way), maybe carry it out to the trash bin, or maybe turn the entire load into random tie dye. Don't push his button on that.  He's kind of an asshole most days.  If he's chuckling, you screwed up big time.
  • Laundry Elf takes NO special orders.  It's Elf Way or No Way.  See the above rule regarding 'asshole'.
If there are any questions, strangle them and shove them under the back deck where Laundry Elf won't see them.


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