Well then, there it is.

Hoist a glass with me, as I lay out some recent personal history.

Most people share something in common.  They don't know when they will die, or what will lay them in the hole.   I'm guessing that's a blessing in many ways.

Me, I have an answer to one of those questions now. I'll almost certainly chalk my end up to a failed ticker.  All the doctors seem to agree to that conclusion  (See what I did there?).

There was the Covid thing, and like many folks I had some time off over it.  But, in June of 2020 (give or take), the vacation was over.  Back to the classroom, and I mean in a serious way.

We were all taking turns doing multiple classes before, at two sessions a day.  Post-Covid that went to four sessions, and doing triples or quads became the norm.  That meant 12 to 15 hour days, and in my case living in a hotel to turn drive time into sleep time.

Around about Thanksgiving, the blood pressure cuff I was slapping on before bedtime at the hotel was showing some scary numbers. One morning around 3am I took my BP, and saw something like 231 over 130.

Yeah.... concerning.   I took meds, got a long shower and checked the BP again.  Down to 'only' 205 over 110.

Well, I met my supervisor at the door of the school at 5am and explained what was going on. "I don't wish to stroke out in front of my class" was the gist of it, and he agreed.

Home I went, and to the docs.  It took several weeks of bouncing meds and sitting on my ass, but the BP came under control mostly, and I went back to work.

However.... things felt different.  I got exhausted way, way too quickly.  From five miles a day in the lab to hard breathing from walking to the office.  I felt my heart doing a dance, and it was a bad routine.

That lasted til the Christmas break, and I spent that week off going to doctors appointments and testing. Family doc, cardio testing, cardiologist, more heart tests, blood tests... again... more.   

They found fluid in my lungs, making it hard to breath. Fluid buildup in my body too.   The heart looked abnormal in some of the tests, and the cardiologist pulled no punches.  

Congestive heart failure.   Meds (that helped) and more testing.

I haven't been back to work since.  Every doc involved tried to be supportive, but they were gently clear. Working days are probably.... probably.... over.

This week, a day of pulmonary testing, just to see what that looks like, and what can be done.  The heart stuff?  Well..... 'Cardio rehab is not indicated'.

In other words, it is what it is.

What does this look like in real life?  I can function, for now, thankfully.  Maybe for years to come as well.  I get about 15 or 20 minutes of household chores in, then I sit for a while and mindfully breath. 

Sleep comes in 4 or 5 hour chunks, with O2 in my nose.   There's pills to help, but I'm stubborn about head meds like that.

Going upstairs and getting a shower has me breathing heavy.  I can't imagine surviving, let alone being productive, in my classes.

Yes, we have all heard that phrase: "You'll work yourself to death".

Looks like I damn near did it.

There's still some things to happen, and some personal rehab I need to work out myself once I get the pulmonary testing done. Everything I read says it's a one way journey, but how long a road is highly variable.

I also know the docs notions, and other peoples experiences, are varied as hell. There's a wide field of possibilities. Some good, some not so good, and nobody can walk that path for me.

That's where I stand, today, this moment.

Today, I did laundry, dishes, cooked dinner, and worked on my will.

Tomorrow?  Who knows?