Saturday, April 24, 2021

I guess when something becomes the most likely reason you will die, you learn to pay attention to it more.  Like I am with my heart.

I can feel it's shenanigan's. The watch #1 son gave me does ECG's, and that lets me *see* what shenanigan's look like in terms of heart rhythm.

Well, I just walked into the kitchen, and herself is making us a lovely breakfast.   Amongst other things she's doing, she put blobs of canned cat food on the floor for the kittens. Right in front of the fridge. Many blobs. Like a fucking minefield. In front of the fridge.  Where the cream for my coffee lives.

Yeah.... I actually felt that spike of anger. In my chest. 

That can't be good.  That it made me angry is silly, but I'm human too. That I felt the anger reflected in my heart's rhythm is scary.

Now I'm thinking about all those years I was married, with kids, and practically seethed with anger daily at the mental and emotional abuse.  I'm wondering how much of where I'm at now is a reflection of what I lived then. 

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