Saturday, January 30, 2010
I woke up this morning to a chilly house, a 16 degree day outside, and an oil furnace that needed a short discussion regarding trust, duty, and sledgehammers. The house is warming as I type this, Mr. Furnace having seen things my way.
As I was skittering around barefoot on the wooden floors, making coffee and building the fire, I had time to think. It's been two years now.... two years since my life overturned and exploded.
Two years ago... I left my wife, choosing life and sanity over a slow death in anger and thankless servitude. The night after I fled was the first good nights sleep I had had in a year. I had chosen to live, rather than die, and it was the right choice. My only regret, our youngest son. He stayed with her, for his reasons, and I cannot argue. I faced the exact same choice myself, at the exact same age.... and made mine for the same reasons he did. Perhaps one day we will talk about things, and maybe he will ask my side of the story.
Two years ago, almost, that blogging led me into a new relationship. In retrospect, I don't regret it. Although it ended very hard, and painful in a way I had never experienced before, it burned with a fire that can ignite entire lives into being. I learned a lot about myself, about life, about love, and about my friends. When it ended, only a very few people asked me if I was okay, what happened, and offered an ear to bend. Friends... and I am grateful for those few.
Blogging...... blogging..... My life changed because of blogging. I started out reading a few, and then got the grandiose idea that I could write down my own thoughts. People responded, and we talked. I found out there was a world full of people to connect with and enjoy, and found that both good and frightening. It was these connections that convinced me life was good, and worth living. It was these people 'out there' in the blogoverse that showed me by example what life could be.
It was blogging that led me to a relationship I thought was everything in the world, and blogging that ended it, in an obscure way. Perhaps this roller coaster is why I blog so little anymore.... having been reborn and then dashed apart on the same alter of electron flow. I have gone from daily posting of my thoughts and ideas, to sometimes weekly posting of 'me journal' type stuff. I have gone from hundreds and hundreds of readers a day, to thirty a day.... and I am content with that.
Two years, and my life has gone through so many changes. Sometimes on a quiet morning such as this, with the fire snickering away gently and fresh brewed coffee at my hand.... I think about the changes and marvel at them. I try to recall myself two years ago, how I was, what I thought... and it's like a black hole in a hillside seen through binoculars from far away. I have to go back and read what I wrote then, just to reconnect and be shocked at the change.
Perhaps I will begin real blogging again, one day. Perhaps the joyful sharing will overpower the memory of pain, and leave the way open to connecting with people like that again. Till then, I am smiling every day now, and anger is a dark cloud far away in the past. My students are a daily joy and getting better each day. My home is warm and inviting, and my lovely young lady walks the path with me now. Not in lockstep, but holding hands and sharing the moments.
Life is good... damn good... and maybe that will be my theme when I begin blogging for real again. Who knows? Time will tell... and until then I intend to savor every moment.