Sunday, August 8, 2010

Guess I'm not so gregarious after all.....

.

This blog's name changed, again. That seems to happen with me on a regular basis. Malfits, A New Direction, The Blind Squirrel, Bear On A Bicycle, Gregarious Loner..... each blog name reflected my life at the time. Each name signified something, as does the new one.


The photos? 'First Friday' in Lancaster city. I will never be a city man, but on occasion I like to go in to observe the wildlife, and that environment is rich in critters.



I've been thinking a lot lately, as is my curse. My muse has turned to my own past, as a measure of perspective. A time line creates itself, and I'd like to lay it out here on the blog as a means to order my own thoughts. I'd like to... but there are parts I have agreed to be silent on. At the time, I thought it reasonable, and I suppose I still do. Still, it grates... and now that I examine it closer... I realize it ALWAYS ground away at my peace. Yes, I have areas of my life I'd rather leave in the darkness of the crypt, but there are others I wish to speak of, mull over, and chew on.... the better to digest. It's uncomfortable to have restraints imposed on that option, even if self imposed.

Honor, such as I know it, demands silence.



'Gregarious' has passed on. It represented a time in my life when I wished for the company of others, even if in such a vicarious manner. It was a time when I needed others, the support of a tribe, while I healed. The tribe vanished, or maybe was never more than shadow.
What I thought I needed, I learned to live without.

The blog name changed, for I have changed. I have seen 'Others' and have come to realize there are very few indeed I wish to keep company with. I no longer rush to see who's calling, for there are very few people I want to speak with. I no longer have that in-rush of breath as E-mail arrives.... it will never be that person again, for they no longer exist... and perhaps never really did. There is a peace to be found in uncomplicated isolation.


11 comments:

CalvinsMom said...

And yet, people like to spend time with you, and still find you (dare I say it?) gregarious.

In fact, the Octoboy and SnarkGirl were pretty darn enchanted. OctoBoy in particular, has been going on about "the machete thing" all damn day.

Carteach0 said...

CM,

Thank you :-)

Yes, Young Master Disaster and Miss Chievous are welcome here anytime they wish. Knowing their sentiments a bit better now, I will certainly have activities for them next time. Perhaps battling a smallish wargarble will suit ..... I know they would enjoy the whole 'roasting their prey over an open fire' stage of the evening.

Key Lime pie is delicious... although Jessi growls a bit every time my hand strays near the pie tin.

Ambulance Driver said...

Damn.

And now I find out that 3/4 of my reciprocal blogroll was the same guy. ;)

I feel so... small.

Ted Amadeus said...

Talking to yourself is sometimes the only way to garner an intelligent conversation.

Anonymous said...

Mid life crisis are a bitch, don't you think? And most men (and some women) handle it in one of three ways. Or two of three.

1: Go and buy some insanely expensive new toy, such as a car. Usually this is an item they cannot afford or that makes them feel alive.

2. Cheat on their spouses. Usually with a much younger man or woman who also makes them feel more alive.

3. Remains normal in their own little bubble of a world.

I dare to say this blog interests me very much.

Sincerely:
A friendly psych major

Carteach0 said...

Psych Major,

I think I might enjoy a good mid-life crisis. It would certainly have it's interesting moments.

As to the choices...

1) Nope. Credit destroyed, probably for life. I'm still on the books with 'not-ex-yet' wife, and the things she can do with debt are amazing. Think 'Congressman' on a slightly smaller scale.

2) Cheat? Well.... I left my wife for my own survival, and have had two relationships since then (still happily in one). I suppose that counts. I'll say this.... should the present one end, I may just sigh and call it quits on the whole 'relationship' experience. Maybe get a dog. I like dogs.

3) Normal? Null term. Even if I give it meaning, for a certain value of 'meaning', it's probably too late to be normal.

CalvinsMom said...

FWIW, with no less than four practicing psychologists in my immediate family (one of which is the biological 'SMother'), I have good evidence that one has to be frickin' nuts to go in to psychology...thus their advice is usually taken with a grain of salt roughly the size of the Capitol Dome.

Just sayin'.

Carteach0 said...

CM....

I have had 'some' experience with psycho-babble in my life. The Ex must have seen a dozen over the years, and I was involved every single time.

In almost every case the 'Professional' was just barely socially functional themselves, and some were just plain loons. It would have been entertaining if it hadn't been so close to home.

Anonymous said...

For the record, I was not trying to come across as a butthole. I was have a double masters this coming spring and was merely making an observation. Not judgement was passed. Also, I believe I am of sound mind. I am a mother of two, married and I help children in horrible home circumstances. Psychology is my way of giving back and giving children an ear that will listen. That is something I wish I had as a child.

Both men and women typically go through some form of mid life crisis. Some for the good and some for the worse. It is nothing to be ashamed of and I wasn't asking for explanation but thank you for sharing all the same.

Sincerely,

A psych major who actually has feelings

Carteach0 said...

Psych, No worries. You were not the least out of line, nor was it taken as such.

Thank you for your thoughts... they are appreciated.

Jay G said...

"There is a peace to be found in uncomplicated isolation."

"For a rock feels no pain, and an island never cries".

Can't even begin to imagine how many times I've heard that song.